My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
