My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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