My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
