Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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