i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
