Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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