Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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