Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
