She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
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She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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