please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
