Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
