If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
be right there i have to get my cape
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
