The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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