The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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