does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
