if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
