even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
