Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
