Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
