dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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