he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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