I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
