I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
