I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
