Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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