yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
someone owes me an orgasm
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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