my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
