Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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