I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
