Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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