She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
They are going to name an STD after you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
