just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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