I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
