Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
