ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
