The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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