I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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