I wish I could teleport
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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