I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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