You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
