hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
