i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
