I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
