it wasn't lemon gatorade
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
