I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
