Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
