wrigley field is MILF paradise
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
