I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
