The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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