Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
