He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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