; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
