we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
