i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
