I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
