she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
