I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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