i think my tv is drunk
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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