First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
