He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
